Monday, May 24, 2010

In Light of Jeff

I'm kinda assuming no one will read this.

My goals for the last 6 or 7 years remain mostly unchanged. I don't feel any closer to attaining them. If anything they seem more distant than ever before. I have a feeling of not knowing which way to go. I'm wondering exactly what it is that isn't going to plan. My brain, my body, my habits. I feel that unlike in the beginning, when it was just small things, like the frustration I got from having to spend more time on math exams than my friends, and not having clear skin, that now my frustration is more all-encompassing. I'm talking about myself. I'm not saying that I'm frustrated with the economy or day-to-day life. I still function rather normally. I'm extremely reluctant to admit to having any sensation that could possibly be called depression. That's not what it is. And I'm not satisfied with saying that I'm burnt out because I long to be in an environment where I would be able to have the chance to become burnt out. I feel so inactive. *looks through thesaurus* "Listless" might be the extreme of what I'm feeling. Perhaps "impotent" would work. I feel impotent, mostly in an intellectual/emotional way, though considering my recent sexual history, I might as well include the sexual definition, too.

I've been seeing a guy named Jeff. He's really great. He's 25 - four years older than me. He's going to medical school at St. Louis University. He got his bachelor's degree from the same university I escaped from after my sophomore year. He went for free. He got his graduate degree from Columbia in Manhattan. He lives on the 8th floor of an apartment building in the Central West End. He's good at having conversations. I've only seen him four times. The first time was coffee. The second time was Thai in South City. The third date was mostly spent walking around the Delmar Loop talking constantly. We kissed in a parking lot, but I suggested we continue inside a car. And then we kissed more in his apartment. The fourth date we went bowling at a place on Delmar, and then he introduced me to Ethiopian food. We talked so much! I'm not used to talking to anyone that much. We went back to his place and kissed more. And a little more, too. I felt a little bit of my dignity slip away because of it. I promised myself I would never start out a relationship so quickly...again. It's probably because I hadn't been with anyone since last September. I hadn't kissed anyone since November. I don't think it's healthy for someone my age to go that long without human intimacy. And I'll be starting my summer classes next week two hours away...chances are I won't have another chance to do it anytime soon with someone else. And I felt like I could trust him. I can trust him. And though I wonder, I doubt he thinks any less of me for what happened (though I had told him the previous day that I wouldn't let myself go further so soon). I also believe that it's important to check for sexual chemistry before you spend too much time with a person. What if they can't stand to look at you naked? This paragraph is looking a little cluttered, but I really needed to write something down about what I've been thinking in light of my time with Jeff. I haven't been writing much at all lately. The bottom line is: I'm am so fucking insecure. Even though I think Jeff is great, even though I think we have great chemistry, that I'm still worrying about not measuring up to him. It's constantly coloring my thoughts about him, even though I have no reason to not think that he finds me just as charming and flawless as I find him.